Mornings are getting harder for me.
Maybe it's the fact that it's fall and the mornings are getting darker earlier, or that we are almost in month nine of the pandemic...but sleep is something that by the end of the day is not only welcomed but is coveted when the alarm clock that I set the night before goes off.
Thankfully I am a creature of some sorts of habits, and one of them is the fact that I cherish a bit of 'alone' time in the morning before my kids awake and the hustle and bustle of the day start to ensue on my thoughts and reflections. The wee morning hours are the ones that I can call 'my own', as the rest of the day is dedicated to 'us' and 'them' depending on the circumstances.
I am interested in seeing what my reality will look like in the next week (when the presidential election will finally unfold for us who will be the leader of our country), the next month (as we experience holidays still distancing and different from what we have grown accustom to in the past) and the next year and years (honestly, who knows what that will look like).
I wonder if this new normal of solitude and isolation will change my brain and hold me hostage to an ideal that 'I like solitude' and continue some level of being a hermit for the rest of my life? Will I say 'Fuck it!' and expose myself to harm when it's not safe because I am am so tired of being alone? Will I be even-keeled and have a level head in all situations (God, I hope so).... Who knows!!!
I don't know how this pandemic is changing me psychologically.
I hope that it is only bringing an awareness to my mind that will benefit me and not cause harm, but that is something that I am all too aware of that could only be hope. My worry is that I like this alone stuff too much. I have become all too accustomed to a life of being social on a media basis and not enough with actual people...and for right now I realize that THAT's okay! But...when will it not be, is the question.
It is rare that I have physical contact with anyone other than my own children and my husband. And right now it is fine with me. But, I have noticed that when I see someone that I haven't seen in a really long time, all I want to do is hug them. I realize deprivation of physical contact that I have experienced in the past 9 months.
For right now I can 'poo-poo' any thoughts of needing physical contact. I can ignore the need of human interaction, but I don't know if there will be any long-term repercussions; I don't know if I am going to be damaged.
My daughter is 9, and I am starting to see how she is becoming more and more affected by social interactions because of the pandemic. She has developed a level of social anxiety that has exceeded the level pre-COVID. It's not that I have filled her with ideologies or thoughts, it is that our 'normal' is no longer what it used to be. She is thankfully outspoken enough to voice her concerns, making sure that wherever we go we will be outside and spaced from strangers, and she is able to tell us what makes her feel uncomfortable. But will this change? Will there ever be a level of comfort for her (or us and others who are experiencing the same thing) when social distancing is non-existent, the pandemic and virus has subsided and a thing of the past? Or, have we caused a mentality within ourselves (the older generations and the growing youth) that being together is potentially dangerous?
These thoughts are what go on in my head when I have moments to myself and I am able to project them uninterrupted in my wee early morning hours. I am learning not to 'worry', though. I am learning to live in the 'now' and take each moment as they come.
THAT is the ONLY way that we can live with any level of sanity...especially now.
I rest in a level of humility. It's in this humility that I am able to question everything and realize that not only am I powerless over most things, but also that there is always opportunity for growth, wisdom and for a life that rests in hope for a future that is free from the struggles that we are experiencing now. May your day reveal such things for you.
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