What Do You Really Want?!

 Since I hit the age of around puberty, I have longed to find 'My Purpose'.

I grew up a female in an evangelical church, a completely dysfunctional family situation and a full-time job in day-dreaming. 

(The evangelical bit is important because I was told that because of my female stance that I was limited to what I could be of service to in the world/church. That's a whole other topic though).

I was convinced that there had to be something that I was born for, something that 'God' had created me for...But what is it?

For a long time I thought I was going to be a singer/songwriter because I had always sung in church, I played guitar in church (and at home all the time) and I was always writing songs and poetry. I have journals upon journals upon journals filled with my songs and poetry.

So, what happened? Why didn't I become a singer or songwriter?

It's really easy for me to look back now and blame my parents for not believing in me, for not encouraging me to do anything (even go to college), for no encouragement from anyone, really...and then I get thoughts in my head like 'well, maybe you really sucked and that is why no one pushed you into your passion' 'maybe you aren't good at anything; you should take a shitty job and suck it up'. And, in truth, maybe I wasn't super talented or polished...and maybe I was really embarrassed or shy in small crowds to do performances...maybe I have too much of a corky personality...maybe this...maybe that.

There are so many elements that have caused my dreams to deflate before any fruition surfaced, but the only common denominator in the equation is ...me.

So now I'm a married mother of two, and I have bowed away from several dreams in my adult life. The dream of becoming a notable artist (I am a self-taught artist in watercolor, acrylics, oil and even digital art), a business owner, an entrepreneur, a writer, a blogger, a youtube, etc. 

I make my days filled with odd jobs and stagnant flowing endeavors on top of my duties at home and to my children...but there's something missing. I try to find what makes me most happy...and when it comes down to it, the things that make me most happy are the things that I can not quite have.

1)Gardening: I love to garden and grown my own flowers and vegetables and fruits, and in that I love making meals, apothecary, and surrounding myself with the beauty that the little bit of land can yield when tended to.

    Problem: We don't own our own home...and to those who know what the economy looks like right now; well, the middle class millennials (which would be me) are squeezed out of the buying market (unless there are those of you who were helped by parents...and I didn't have that luxury either). So, I'm limited to the pots that I can fill with the beloved plants that I can garden. I've made it work, but I long for a bit of my own land to grow bountiful gardens that I can can, dry, and cook will all year long. I long for a bit of my own land...maybe one day (still dreaming).

2)My Art: I still draw and paint on a regular basis. I've given up any recognition because my self-critic is very self-critical and basically thinks my art is shit. (Funny yet not funny, really). I would love to work for a designing company, taking my art and other art pieces and creating journals, notecards, stationary, etc. I love digital design and feel that I am really good at it (especially considering that I taught myself how to do it all). I would love the opportunity to learn more and to have satisfaction in creating unique perspectives for the world to see.

    Problem: I am a self-sabatoger. I do not have the consistency to believe in myself that I am worthy or good enough to be recognized. In my head I hear the committee saying that I need more education, I need more experience, etc. before I can be anything. Well, now there is another voice telling me that I am too old now... I'm inching closer in time to 40 years old. Yep...40.

3)Traveling: I LOVE TRAVELING!!! I love to see new places, feel the energy of old places and the absorb the history. It strikes my imagination like no other when I see new places. I have been my happiest when I am traveling, and I feel like I am most myself when I am traveling. 

    Problem: Money for traveling is a tough one AND the pandemic has made traveling to distant places pretty much impossible.

4)Teaching: I love to teach and share the knowledge that I know. Because I have learned so many things and trades ( I have nicknamed myself 'Jill of trades, master of none') I love to share what I do know. I have taught via volunteering at my kids school many things regarding writing, arts and crafts. I would love to be prolific at something...be good at something that I am wanted or needed to share with others.

    Problem: I have no teaching degree. I am old. I am not prolific at any one thing.

Okay...that was a bowl full of negativity! 

So now I am at a point where I need to sit myself down and have a little heart to heart with myself...

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

(sometimes it's more like 'what the f#*% do you want?!')...Well... That's tough. I have created so many walls, boundaries and closed doors that I am not sure what I want anymore. 

Do you see how I placed problems next to everything that I dream of having one day? THAT is my deep problem. So how do I remove those problems? 

I think the answer is 'carefully and slowly'.

I need to concentrate on what is do-able right now...and remove the box that I have set them in. 

I need to think outside the box...that stupid gawddamn box.

My purpose in life, well, who knows right now. I am learning to not think about it. Today, I will do what I can to be happy and take opportunities to be the best person that I can be...that's all I can do, right?

In a world of perfection I would have a bit of land with a modest home (preferably in the Santa Cruz Mountains) that would be my 'home-base' where I would spend the majority of my time creating and being when I wasn't traveling. I would have a modest trailer that I could domestically travel in when I wasn't traveling the world. In those trips I would soak up the inspiration, the beauty and the energy that I need to share with the world. In a perfect world, I would know my purpose...I would not want, because I would already have.