Messed-up Rollercoaster and Butterfly Kisses

When I was a really young child I thought that everyone had experiences like me, had a childhood like mine, a family like mine and that the world was a familiar place.

As I got older I realized how different everyone is, how everyone has different experiences and circumstances and that the world was vast and dangerous. I realized that not everyone thinks like me or acts like me (nor did they appreciate the way that I acted or reacted some of the time). 

I was more and more a 'black sheep' the older I got. 

Because of my awkwardness and shame of such, I started to live a life that was not reflective of who I was on the inside.

I didn't like who I was or what my life/family circumstances were, so I acted more on false-confidence and a level pride that made up a world that I projected around me.

I made sure that I was seen as confident, funny and the 'good kinda different'.

In this process I would get lost in the persona that I was desperately trying to project into the world and doing so I made some bad and devastating choices that would negatively effect me the rest of my life.

When these devastating things happened I didn't stop and examine myself, my choices or my life in general, as I should have to better my life; instead I plowed deeper into the persona that of a person that I wasn't, because the person that I saw when I looked inside I hated. 

Consequently, more poor choices were made and deeper I went into a life of drama, addiction and instability... all with the mental mindset that I was okay and that I was 'actually' the person that people saw (not that scared, hurt, self-loathing little girl that was hiding in the dark parts of my inner most being).

Miraculously, I hit a bottom.

Not every person hits a bottom, and not all bottoms look the same.

Thankfully my bottom wasn't the worse bottom that I could have uncovered, but it was low enough. 

Now, in retrospect, I can look back at the incomprehensible demoralization that I went through and be grateful for my life that I am living now, realizing that I am the person I am today because of the trauma, the pain and the shame. I can like who I am despite the mistakes. The mistakes are what make me a more truthful and relatable human.

I am who I am.

I am now living a life that is authentic and true to not only the people that I allow in my life, but more importantly, to myself.

I am not perfect, never will be and never expect to be, and I'm okay with that.

I may have dreamed that I would be some important and famous person when I was a little girl, but I'm not, and I'm okay with that. 

My purpose is much different than I ever would have imagined, and it's actually beautiful.

My life is beautiful because I am a butterfly. 

I may not touch and help everyone that I come in contact with throughout my life, but the few that I do leave the smallest imprint on, I pray that I leave butterfly kisses and a feeling of joy.

My life is a rollercoaster, and some of it has been pretty messed up, but now the ups and down are not so devastating or traumatic. I am proud that to live a life that screams humility, acceptance and love. 

I live a life of surrender and serenity.

I love the image of the Hindu symbol of the Unalome. 

The Unalome, to the Hindus, is a symbol of the journey of life to enlightenment. The path it shows isn't straight; it curves and winds, sometimes smoothly and sometimes abruptly. There's also the realization that there isn't always a 'right direction', but the direction you do take will be your unique path.

We will all have sufferings, lessons (some hard learned) and even missteps.

The best lesson that I have learned in this life so far is to live truthfully and authentically, to love radically and embrace love from others, and to listen.