Firing the Committee in My Head
I am not alone...I have heard that I am not the only one who has 'hired' these awful 'people' to live as directors and dictators in the back of my mind.
These are the voices that not only tell us the stuff like 'you aren't good enough' and 'you're never going to accomplish much, so why try?'...they are much worse.
Just to clarify, these "voices" aren't audible, but they are definitely real and common.
Sometimes they are the voices that begin with a parent, or an adult of our childhood; many of which are narcissistic and cruel, or maybe they are listening to the same voices and project them onto the young around them. No matter what the situation might be, these 'voices' are the ones that we carry with us into adulthood. They are the ones that we 'hire' to help us with choices that decisions that might cause us to succeed or self-sabatoge our outcomes in life.
In my young adult life I listened to these 'voices' and I have made some "not so good choices" because of them.
They have told me things like:
"you're too rebellious and too impulsive to succeed at anything"
"you hardly passed your classes in high school, you're going to suck in college"
"no one else believes you'll succeed, so you might as well not try"
"why are you trying to be friends with that person? Once they really get to know you they're going to stop talking to you anyway"
"why are you trying to get fit (or loose weight)? You're going to get lazy and fail. (or) You're never going to look like the 'pretty girls', so why try?"
Or more bluntly
"You're stupid"
"You're ugly"
"You're too weird"
"You're too weak"
"There's something wrong with you"
"No one likes you"
"You're never going to amount to anything"
"You're not good at anything"
"You're unemployable"
Etc...Etc...
I have suffered with low self-esteem and poor self image for the majority of my life.
In that, in every relationship that I have had I have sought approval and love (aka co-dependency).
In doing so I have been hurt numerous times.
But here's the thing...this 'committee' has been my story tellers, telling me what is and what will happen even if it was bullshit and erroneous. I have allowed my 'committee' to form my outlook on life, to be my narrators to make up the story of what is happening or what will happen. In the process I have created toxic relationships, I have isolated myself from a fulfilling life and I have self sabotaged my own happiness.
Recently, I have fired my committee.
How, you ask?
Well, I started by giving myself permission to love myself. (Not that easy when you don't know what that looks like or how to do it...but I'm living proof that it's possible!!!)
First, I have had the privilege of having a true friend (one that loves me without conditions and is truthful even when it hurts). This person was the first that even brought up the idea of a 'committee' that was in my head. I was truthful in what the 'committee" was telling me, and she (my friend) boldly told me that I needed to "fire the committee".
So I did...
At first it was really hard because I was so used to the words that I would hear; they were my cluster of gloopy that became my mantra of misfortune. I was used to surrounding myself with the gloop, and I got used to the gloop, all the time admiring the pristine and beautiful mantras that surrounded the people that I admired.
I wanted what the successful and happy people had...
I wanted to be happy, successful and have hope...
I didn't know how to really start except for this new concept of 'firing my committee'.
But here's the thing...I still have to fire them...every damn day!
They still try to show up for work on a daily basis, so I still have to fire them...but it's not so bad as it's getting easier and easier.When I started to fire them on a daily basis, I also began a very humble journey of gratitude and self realization.
In this process I am learning about what triggers my former 'committee' to thinking that they still have a voice in my life and future. In this process and finding out what I can do to stop the gloop from leaking in and taking residency in my mind.
I'm not going to lie, there have been days that I have given into the 'committee' and listened to them again (sometimes my mind is tired and thinks that the effort to 'fire the committee' is too much work and it'd be easier to 'give in'). Those days that I neglect to ridding the gloop are the days that I find myself taking a step backward from the two steps that I just made. I still am tempted to give in to these negative thoughts when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (or combinations).
H.A.L.T.
Realizing THAT was a biggie.
Then I know that if I do start to hear those gloopy voices that like to drag me down, I first ask myself... 'Am I tired?',
'Am I angry?pissed off? irritated? annoyed?',
'Am I lonely? (and loneliness itself may have some stuff that comes from deeper stuff that I need to address and deal with- sometimes that can make me exhausted, too)',
and 'Am I tired?(whether it be from a poor nights sleep, a really exhausting day, a lot of stress going on in and around me)'.
If I can answer 'yes' to any of these, I am already alert and I am able to counter the gloop with the list of gratitude. Sometimes it's best if I find new things of gratitude that I haven't yet added to it.
Another REALLY helpful thing that I have found to silence the gloop is to breathe.
Breathe? Really?
I'm not joking...it's all that mindfulness, meditation mumbo-jumbo that so many modern day hippies swear-by. No, it does not mean that you need to chant or meditate like a monk or yoga guru, you just need to breathe.
To do 'Mindful Breathing' it's more like allowing yourself to let your mind wander but always bringing yourself back to the present all the while feeling your breaths fill your lungs and deflating...feeling your muscles relax. It can be for 5 minutes or an hour ( I normally don't have a lot of time, but 3-5 minutes of intentional breathing and relaxing is a game changer).
↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑
There have been many studies that correlate meditation and mindfulness techniques with people's all around state of peace and happiness(check out these websites and/or google it!). The only way to know, though, is to try it yourself.
So, do I still struggle with negative thoughts? Do I still have moments when I question my worth and my life in general? Yes, I do. I may always have these moments of challenges, but I don't foresee myself in a state of helplessness as I have been in the past.
I am being honest with myself...I have tools and skills that I am learning and using...and I have hope for a wonderful future that I look forward to.
There are going to be days when I may ignore the signs of the things that trigger the gloop to enter my thoughts, and those days my issue the lies that I used to believe about myself, but I am slowly changing inside. I am not the person I used to be. I strive for something better, not only for myself but for the world that surrounds me. This can only happen if I keep going, keep breathing and keep firing that damn, gloopy committee.
Now, all these things being said, I am very aware that my story isn't singular or unique. Many people struggle with negative narrations that have plagued them for too many years.
Do you suffer from this?
Do you find yourself in this never-ending cycle of negative thoughts?
My advice as someone who knows this pattern, all too well, is simple... but not simple.
I am not a therapist, a doctor or psychologist in any way, shape or form. My only advice is formed from what has worked for me. It might not work for you. You might need more help from a doctor or someone trained to help you through things that are beyond my understanding. But, remember that you are the one and only person that not only has to live with you everyday, but that your willingness to change and want for an overall life of happiness is the key.
So, that's my number one step: Your Mindset.
Your drive to better yourself has to take a front seat in your daily life.
Second, you really need a doctor, a therapist and/or a trusted counselor to be able to talk to. This has been something that is invaluable for me. I have wonderful friends that I can talk to, but to have a private conversation with a trusted and trained professional has helped me not only 'get things out' but to see perspectives that are true and skills that help (like when I started using mindfulness as part of my routine).
Finally, it is up to you to make the moves that create lasting and noticeable change. Only you can make those changes. Remind yourself not just daily, but throughout your day of the positive things that you want your new committee to be telling you. Write them down...put them on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Set timers on your phone with quotes or positive affirmations and moments to take a breath (I'm pretty sure that there are some cool apps out there for that stuff...I just haven't tried them yet).
All in all, the hard work that we put into ourselves and our mental health will pay off...it is worth it!
You can do it!
I read a quote that was framed on the wall of the laundrymat that I went to this morning by Christopher Columbus. It said "You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore".
I pray that you are able to take that step, that leap, that breath that will give you the courage to loose the sight of the life of negativity that you have lived too long in and cross the ocean of hope to the life you deserve.
Many Blessings!
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